Bill Gracey
The type of approach we take to parenting has many origins: cultural, what decade in history we are doing our parenting, how we were parented, either choosing to parent similarly or choosing an opposite approach, family size, education, religion. Our approach to emotions in general also has an implication to which parenting style feels most comfortable.
What we know about parenting styles is derived from research by Diana Baumrind completed in the 1960’s, which is still in use today. She observed 100’s of parent child dyads and noticed patterns which she grouped into three categories, a fourth category was added later. We also know with great predictability that based on the type of parenting style in use, what type of children it will produce.
Authoritarian
Unresponsive and demanding. For these parents, having their children comply with their requests is of utmost importance. Their requests shouldn’t be questioned, should only be followed. When questioned, they may replay “because I said so.” They may use punishment or the threat of punishment to gain obedience.
Outcome: Obedient kids and well-behaved who generally rank lower on happiness, self esteem and and social competence.
Indulgent
Responsive and undemanding. The desire to be friends with their child and be accepted trumps discipline or expectation. The avoidance of conflict often leads to diffuse limits or rules. These parents are nurturing and communicative with their children, but generally have low expectations of them.
Outcome: Good self-esteem, low rates of depression. Poor performance academically, at risk for drug use.
Neglectful
Unresponsive and undemanding. Uninvolved in daily care of their child, perhaps due to their own stressors. Provide for basic needs, but are not nurturing or warm. Place few demands on their child.
Outcome: These children/teens have the poorest outcomes. Most likely to have had juvenile offenses, drug use, poor school performance. Lacking self- control and self-esteem.
Authoritative
Responsive and demanding. Encourage high levels of independence and enforce rules. Warm but with high expectations. Assertive and their discipline techniques are supportive. Questioning is encouraged, although parents make the ultimate decisions.
Outcome: These children/teen have the best outcomes. Generally well-behaved, socially competent, happy, resourceful and emotionally mature.
Do we all fit nicely into only one of these four boxes? No. When we are tired, worn out and at the end of our rope do we always parent authoritatively? No. But in general our parenting philosophy tends to run parallel with one or more of the above. What if one parent tends towards authoritative and the other indulgent? The child will benefit from the authoritative parenting despite the permissiveness.
Although, just like anything else, know what type of parenting is most effective and using it are two different things. As I stated, our approach to parenting is formed by deep roots. If you are a parent who would like to change the style of parenting you are using, you may consider changing your perspective about your role. For example, if you tend towards an indulgent style your mantra may be “My primary role is to make sure my kids know I love them.” By expanding your parenting mantra to include “My role to to make sure my kids know how much I love them, and how much I expect of them” you will find your interactions and responses to behavior shift. Another example is shifting from authoritarian to authoritative. You begin thinking “My children need to follow the directions I give them, because I know best” to “Although I know best, I want my child to learn through life to make the best decisions.” A shift in perspective is powerful.
Lastly, one barrier to authoritative parenting is how you feel about feelings. For example, with all but authoritative style, a parent may run from feelings. For example, an authoritarian parent may not acknowledge the anger or sadness their child is having as a response to them, rather focusing on “just do what I say.” An indulgent parent doesn’t want to upset the child by setting limits and a neglectful parent isn’t in tune enough with what is going on for their child to notice any feelings. The key here is your ability as a parent to “sit with” feelings, your own and your child’s. By doing this, you can better parent in an authoritative way.
Parenting is hard work, the hardest work and worthy of a review now and then. Hang in there!
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