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Despite the best intentions of parents, sometimes a divorce is inevitable.
There are certainly a spectrum of emotions during the process, including despair. Often children are dealing with their own emotions as well. But there are some steps that parents can take to ensure their children grow up to be strong, secure and confident in their own relationships.
1. Take time to explain the difference between “ideal” and “reality”
When looking at a divorce through the legal system, there is the “petitioner” and the “respondent”. In some cases, the respondent doesn’t want to go through with the divorce, but depending on the laws, may not have a choice in the matter.
Therapist Julie Hanks, LCSW, owner and Executive Director of Utah’s Wasatch Family Therapy, offers some advice for parents wondering how to explain the divorce to their children.
“Divorced parents can teach children the difference between “the ideal” and “the reality”, saying something like, ‘The ideal situation is for a husband and wife to stay married, and to love each other their whole lives. That is the best possible scenario. However, the reality is that sometimes adults decide that they don’t want to stay married’.”
2. Strive for great communication with co-parent
Children will watch how their parents interact after the divorce is finalized, and the way the parents interact can have a far-reaching impact on how children view relationships.
Hanks agrees with experts in treating the relationship as a “business” partnership, and sharing information about the kids in a respectful manner. In a segment on KSL-TV’s “Studio 5”, she recommends setting aside 4 minutes each week for cordial interaction with the co-parent.
3. Understand and identify what children of divorcing parents need
Children need to hear positive reinforcement, even when parents are discouraged with the situation. They also need to know there are other kids out there who are going through the divorce of their own parents. Seek out any resources that can give perspective, including books, support groups or family and friends. Hanks recommends the website UpToParents.org for divorcing parents, including the specific guide for parents Quick Help For Families In Transition found on the site.
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